Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
