Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
