Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
