I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
