Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize