just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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