Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
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