Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
