hell yes lets make some ravioli
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
