I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We need to rekindle our bromance
I understand Curling. That high.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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