I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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