Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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