under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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