Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
