I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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