she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
