i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
