Bisexual people are plain selfish.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
