One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
