My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
