I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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