Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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