I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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