Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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