Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
