That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
And then my night got REAL pukey
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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