I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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