nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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