Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
