Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
