I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
