What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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