does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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