I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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