High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
