I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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