Someone shit on the floor
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
