Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
