I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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