OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
