and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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