I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
