the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
