your parents love me but you hate me
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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