If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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