at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
