i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
