I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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