I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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