i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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