o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
