my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
