Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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