I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't put those talents on a resume
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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