I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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