when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
