I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize