they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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