Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This is my gift to your gina
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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