I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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