My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
